God has replaced me as wife with my 16 year old daughter

Hi, I don't know exactly where to start here. I was raised in what I thought was a Christian home, my dad was a teacher in a renouned Bible college, my mom was a nurse. We went to church faithfully, went to youth group, college & careers, etc. I married at 18 to a 'Christian'. I thought I was a perfect Christian myself, until I began my married life. My husband could never accept the traditional 'Christianity'. He always rebelled against it in his soul. He hated the hypocricy and 'religiousness' of it, and he ran from it, all the while both of us knowing that God had a special purpose for his life. Over the years he grew away from me, I was always too 'perfect', always 'right' and always in control while he was running from God. I managed to cause him to hate me over time. He spent most of his time away 'partying'(drinking, marijuana) while I continued to play 'church'. I made him sick, and when I look back, I make myself sick. Anyways, I stayed home raising our three girls, always being the one earning an income to support our family. This gave me even more 'power' over our home. I never realized what my role was supposed to look like as a wife. I wish the church would teach thatproperly....(servant, helper) Finally, his drinking and absence had led me to have him detained by the police (he had threatened my life, should I ever take the kids from him) on his drunken way home one night, and he had to shape up before I'd let him back. He came around and we got together again temporarily, but he stillcouldn't stand being around me, and finally one day I found a note under my pillow, and all our money gone, and he had left to go who knows where because his life was unbearable with me. I couldn't believe he would leave us, especially the kids, but ultimately it was God drawing him home. When all his money was gone, and he was lonely, he called home to ask what to do. Being 2500 km. from me, I suggested a Christian drug rehab place in Langley, British Columbia, Canada. He went and his life turned around instantly. He rededicated his life to God, was assured of his calling to be a 'voice in the wilderness' like John, gave up everything cold turkey and turned his back on 'religion'.

He was now a Godly force to be reckoned with, and nobody would be spared, especially 'fakers', as he now refers to most 'church goers'. Our own families were not spared, nor our friends. Everybody got letters exposing their hypocricy, and everyone was offended. I was caught in the crossfire, because I was not ready to accept this new 'christianity'. He was hot and I was lukewarm. Over the years he has banned all our family members from having any contact with us. I have not spoken with my parents in over 5 years. I know that they are very hurt by this, but I also know that the bible warns us to stay away from these kind of people (2 Timothy somewhere I believe).

So, now almost 5 years since his transformation, our marriage is no longer a reality, although we still live in the same home. My faith is nowhere near the faith he has, he lives only for God. He lives most of the time in the forest, in our home 2 hours away from the town I work in (800 population 4 hours from the nearest large city). He can't stand being around people, because there is so much hypocricy in the world, and his spirit within him gets very angry at sin, and especially hypocricy in those who call themselves Christians. He has been given Godly knowledge that I can only compare to Solomon. I can't hide anything from him. He always knows the root of my problems. God shows him.

I'm caught because I'm comfortable with being a faker. It's all I've ever known. It gives me comfort to believe that I'm a Christian simply because I prayed the sinners prayer, was baptized and believe in God and Jesus' death for me. I believed that I was filled with the Holy Spirit and can speak in tongues, but my husband doesn't even believe that I can and doesn't want to hear it. I am so confused. I don't know what to believe anymore. My husband says that the only hope for me right now, because I can't be 'hot' on my own strength, is to be cold, because God spits out the luke warm. So now I don't read the Bible anymore, and I only pray 'God save me', 'God help me to be real', 'God I need you'. I feel a loneliness and emptiness and I fear going to hell, because I can't seem to 'surrender' completely to God. I know it's not something I can do on my own strength. I've tried that my whole life.

The trouble I have is believing my husband, because even though everything that comes from his mouth seems to be true, I see physical evidence of things in his life that make it difficult for me to believe he's right. I know that God puts stumbling blocks in our way, so that we have to use our hearts instead of our heads, and I know that God can do or say anything and make anything right at any time he chooses to do so, but that doesn't help with my doubts. I know for a fact that I need to have a real relationship with God, that I need to be empowered by him, that I need to believe. My husband says that my God is money, because I'm always working, but I say, if I don't work, then how will we eat, live, etc. He says that's not the point. Our family is becoming more divided because I am not a Christian and he and two of our daughters are. God removed me from the position of wife and gave that position to our 16 year old daughter. It seems really weird to me, but the more I try to get around it, the more I see that it can only be the case. I know that the Bible condemns adultery, but what if my husband, a Godly man, cries out to God for a wife, because I suck, and God hears him because he's a godly man, and removes me from that position for my constant denial of Him, my constant refusal to submit to God? God is weird. Who can understand His ways? He praised Phineus(sp.?) the priest for murdering two men who were violating the sacrifices, or somethinglike that. I have learned that God can do whatever He wants, whenever He wants, and no-one can change that, or question His decisions. I still live in this family, because my husband still hopes for my salvation, and because he believes that God has kept me here to provide for our family.

I see that my letter is kind of jumbled, and I can't get my life story on one page, but I know that I destroyed our marriage by being a 'faker' and a 'hypocrite' and that my only chance for true joy in this life is to be 'sold out' for God, and I'm stuck with not knowing how. All I know is 'religion'. I know I need to be completely surrendered to God, I know I need to obey Him at all costs, and right now to me that means staying where I am and being 'cold' until He fills me and causes me to be 'Hot', like my husband. My flesh wants to judge my husband because I see what I think is sin, but I also know from the evidence, that he cannot stand to have any sin standingbetween him and his relationship with God, and he has to get things fixed immediately because all that matters to him is God, so how can what he's doing with our daughter be sin, if God has said it's not. Even my husbandsays that he lives in faith that it's right, and can only judge by his heart, because in the eyes of the world, it's very wrong. God has tested him with many things, that most people would say no to, because God knows that my husband lives by his heart, not his head. That's what I want, but I'm always too concerned about what people willthink of me (I was always teachers pet, the angel, perfect, etc...) Breaking free from 'religion' must be the hardest 'cult' to get away from, because it's so deceptive. The church is the biggest trap of all, even today. I think if Jesus came to earth, He would be offensive to most Christians and he would be crucified all over again. I believe God forced me into this position because He loves me and He will do anything to show me that I need Him or I'll go to hell. I don't want to miss this opportunity to get it right, so that God doesn't have to do something even worse to me like kill someone. It's hard for me not to slip back into being a faker, because it's comforting doing the familiar, but I dare not. I am forcing myself to stay in a place of desparation, and I guess I just needed to talk to someone about it, because I don't have anybody to talk to. Our town is filled with fakers, and I could never reveal my life to anyone in our small town, or all 800 of them would know about my life and I don't want to disgrace my husband or daughter, either. My only friend is my husband, and he is emotionally drained by me over all these years of trying to get me to see the truth. Thanks for listening.

My response is in Green:

Your e-mail really disturbed me and I have struggled with how to respond to you. I want to start with your husband. I am a blunt person and I don't believe in candy coating anything, so I will just say what I have to say and pray that God helps you know the truth.

Right from the start of your e-mail I saw red flags about your husband. You said your husband could never accept traditional Christianity. You stated that he hated the hypocrisy, but how did he deal with it? He became a bigger sinner then they were. I once heard that if you allow hypocrites to stand between you and God, then that means they are closer to God than you are! Sounds right to me.

But the real first red flag was after he got out of rehab and wrote those letters. Of course I am only reading what you wrote me, so I could be mistaken, but I don't believe I am. The red flag was this, once he found' religion' he attacked everyone whom he saw as a hypocrite. Where was the humility? Where was the sorrow of living a sinful life for so many years? Where was the love for the people who he felt were lost? Let me show you what God has to say:

1 John 4:19-21 We love, because He first loved us. [20] If someone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen. [21] And this commandment we have from Him, that the one who loves God should love his brother also.

See why this was a red flag? If he truly found God, then why didn't his heart cry out for the salvation of the people who he felt had lost their way? Instead he lashed out at them and cut all ties. Sorry, but that tells me that he isn't who he is claiming to be. You say that the Bible tells you to stay away from such people. No, what it says is that you are to stay away from people who claim to be Christians who are openly sinning. I will come back to that, but that is totally different than someone looking at another brother and saying they are a hypocrite. But let me go on.

Another red flag was your husband telling you that you are lukewarm and you need to get cold so God can deal with you. This is non-sense. Yes God hates lukewarm Christians, so get hot, don't get cold! Why would he tell you to get cold? Trust me God never told anyone to get cold, He wants us to come to Him and try to be hot. Again a very big red flag.

You claim that God gives your husband knowledge, but let me warn you, God isn't the only one who can give people knowledge that is past what normal humans have.

Next red flag was the biggest and most disturbing. It was when you told me that God took your role as wife and gave it to your 16 year old daughter. This is NOT God! You need to wake up, you are living with a child abuser who doesn't know God! Let me show you what God has to say:

Hebrews 13:4 Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

God NEVER goes against His own word; NEVER! Now I guess I could be wrong and you aren't saying that your husband is having sex with his own daughter, but I think it is pretty clear that this is what is happening. No matter what your husband says, if he is having sex with your daughter, he doesn't have God in his heart, he doesn't know God and he is an abuser who needs to be in prison!

Let me go back to the idea that the Bible says to stay away from hypocrites, remember I said that wasn't what it said? It says to stay away from people who claim to be Christians but who aren't. Look at this:

1 Cor. 5:1-2 It is actually reported that there is immorality among you, and immorality of such a kind as does not exist even among the Gentiles, that someone has his father's wife. [2] You have become arrogant and have not mourned instead, so that the one who had done this deed would be removed from your midst.

Read that again and again. It is horrible, Paul says it is something that even sinners don't do. Now think about what your husband is doing! It certainly is as bad as what Paul was upset about, and it certainly is something that sinners don't even approve of! You have been fooled. You have allowed this evil man to spiritually destroy you and your family and abuse your daughter. You need to call the police and step in and save your daughter. I don't care how your husband acts about sin, he is not a man of God. Let me show you what Jesus had to say:

Matthew 7:15-23 "Beware of the false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly are ravenous wolves. [16] "You will know them by their fruits.Grapes are not gathered from thorn bushes nor figs from thistles, are they? [17] "So every good tree bears good fruit, but the bad tree bears bad fruit. [18] "A good tree cannot produce bad fruit, nor can a bad tree produce good fruit. [19] "Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. [20] "So then, you will know them by their fruits. [21] "Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter. [22] "Many will say to Me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?' [23] "And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness.'

WAKE UP! If you will just get out your Bible you will see that God isn't difficult to understand, He is very consistent, your husband is lying to you and claiming to be speaking for God, whom he doesn't even know if you judge him by his fruit!

I will agree with one thing, the world is full of hypocrites, but the worst kind of hypocrite is the one who purposely uses God to justify their own sin!

You need to do something, this man is evil and you will answer before God for allowing him to continue to sin against your daughter. God NEVER ever condones sin, I don't care how bad a wife you are, God will NEVER remove you from the marriage. Read your Bible! God instituted marriage and there is only one reason Jesus gives as justification for divorce and that is adultery. So you have grounds, but your husband doesn't, unless there are things you have not told me, but even if there are, God would NEVER justify incest with a man's own child.

As I said, God isn't hard to understand, you have just been blinded. You need to go back to that traditional Christianity. No it might not be perfect and yes their might be hypocrites practicing it, but it is the truth.


Her response is in Blue:

Hi, thank you for your reply. I respect your openess with me. I wrote to you originally because of your article entitled "Do Christians sin daily." My husband has been telling me that I am not a Christian because I sin daily. I struggle with pride and not trusting God. He has alienated me from our children because he believes that I am a non-christian. He takes our three girls with him into the forest to our home there while I work in town.

My husband is a very emotionally controlling person. I have to admit that our family sometimes feels like a mini cult to me, but I feel at a loss as to how to escape it. He has effectively made any secret communication with my daughters impossible, because they tell him everything I say. We have been cut off from all family and friends, so essentially all we have is our family. If my husband has convinced our daughters that I am evil and that he is good, then I feel trapped and my only option at this point, aside from having him arrested, which I cannot do, is to remain in this family and be as supportive as I can, maybe not to his behaviour, but be there for my girls. If I ever caught a hint about him having a sexual relationship with any of the other two, I do not believe that I would hesitate to have him charged.

Please pray for our family. I feel very alone. I understand that I cannot be 'hot' on my own strength, and so to be cold, which to me is simply to stop pretending to be a christian, is my only avenue at the present, yet I still cling to a love for God, a belief that He is ultimately in control of everything, and that all things work together for the good of those who love Him.

The verses in 2 Timothy which I am refering to are 2 Timothy 3:1-5. These are the people that my husband has anger toward. God does not call these 'brothers.' 'Brothers' are christians, and I can understand loving them. I believe my husband would love them, if he knew any. He loves his two daughters, who are Christians. Ironically, his new 'wife' is considered the other non-christian in our family, as she struggles with lust.

More than anything right now I need wisdom from God. I am so confused by 20 years with my husband, that only God's intervention may bring clarity and joy to our lives.

It is my husbands obsession with godliness that makes all of this ultra confusing. His bible is underlined everywhere-he devours the scripture. Ask him anything about the Bible and he'll know it. Any time he convicts me of something, he hits on the truth about me. He has extra perception about spiritual and emotional matters.

I will maintain contact with you, but must do so with extreme secrecy, as I could very well be forced away from my children indefinately if he knew I was looking for advice outside of himself, whom he considers to always be speaking God's very words.

My life is stressful, to say the least, weird, also and lonely. Without God I would want to die. Without my children, I would want to die. I stay for them.

I do not wish to bring my husband further harm by reporting him to the police, or by insisting on a divorce, which would only cause him to further brainwash our children against me. As it is, I can see that they have formed a negative opinion of me (spiritually at least) even though I know that they love me very much. I once approached the topic of having brainwashed the kids, and the reprimand was so extreme that I was almost kicked out. I will not approach that topic again. I believe that God can do anything, and should He wish to do so, He will save us from my husband, if that is His will.

In the meantime, I will do what I can to be supportive and loving to our children, and respectful of my husband, whether I agree with what he is doing or not.

My last response is in Green below:

Your first e-mail disturbed me, but this one angers me. You need to wake up! Your husband is an evil man who doesn't know God. I don't care how much he speaks in tongues or underlines things in his Bible, he is an evil sinner! I showed you in my first e-mail that Jesus said you don't get good fruit from a thorn bush and you don't get bad fruit from a good tree. Your husband's fruit is rotten. Face it, and you are a party to his sin by excusing it and condoning it. You claim if he ever sexually abuses your other daughters you would call the Police. You are fooling yourself on two levels. First if he is sexually abusing one daughter then he has already or will abuse the other two; period! Will you call the Police then? No, you will justify his actions just like you are doing now.

You keep claiming your husband is a spiritual man, but I keep telling you he doesn't even know God! You can't ignore his actions, they are inconsistent with the Bible. His is sexually abusing his own daughter! She is not his wife, quit calling her that, it is an abomination! You will stand before God one day and have to answer to why you allowed this to go on. How can you be so blind? He calls you a sinner, because you have pride and don't trust God, yet the whole time he is a pedophile, raping his own daughter with your full knowledge! Give me a break. He is on his way to hell and he is taking your whole family with him!

When this finally comes out and it will, you will be in jail with him because you did nothing to protect your daughters and they will be in foster care! Yes I am being blunt with you, you need to face the truth. This man is evil, he does not know God and you are exactly right, he has started his own little cult in your family!

It is laughable that he claims other people are hypocrites, at least hypocrites know God! Am I judging him? You bet I am, but I am judging him by God's word:

1 John 3:9-10 No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God's seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because he has been born of God. [10] This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not a child of God; nor is anyone who does not love his brother. [NIV]

Wake up, no matter what this idiot you are married to says, God didn't make your daughter his wife, he is an evil sexual abuser!

Ephesians 5:3-7 [3] But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. [4] Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. [5] For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person-such a man is an idolater-has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. [6] Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient. [7] Therefore do not be partners with them. [NIV]

I don't actually think that passage has anything to do with your husband, because I don't believe he even knows God, but read it anyway.

Romans 2:1-3 Therefore you have no excuse, everyone of you who passes judgment, for in that which you judge another, you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things. [2] And we know that the judgment of God rightly falls upon those who practice such things. [3] But do you suppose this, O man, when you pass judgment on those who practice such things and do the same yourself, that you will escape the judgment of God? [NASB-U]

Your husband judges others because of their hypocrisy while he sexually abuses his own daughter!! And you admire him for his spirituality! The only spirituality he has is from Satan! Even the most vile sinners would say raping your own 16 year old daughter is wrong, yet a 'man of God' does it and it is okay? Are you out of your mind?

Yes I am trying to shock you so that you will wake up and put aside the self-centeredness that is blinding you. See I don't for a moment believe that you don't know that this is wrong, but you are afraid of what it might cost you, loss of a husband, maybe even having your daughters hate you for calling the Police on their father, so you put up with his outright sin because you are selfish!

You talk about your husband's obsession with godliness, but that is a joke as I have shown you over and over, he is an evil sinner, who needs to find God. You say all you can do is stay with the family and be supportive of your daughters, that makes me sick, you are supportive of their abuse. As a mother you should rather want to die than watch a man, any man abuse your daughters!

You want God to deliver you, then call the Police! You owe it to your daughters, all three of them, and you owe it to God.


NOTE: Please don't bother writing me and telling me I should have reported this; I tried, however it turned out that she did not live in the U.S. and I could not get anyone to respond to my concerns.


E-Mail Ralph (whose comments are in green)

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Posted Jan 2010