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"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart"... Jeremiah 1:5
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32
I was 22 years old when I made the choice to have an abortion. I already had two other children and didn't need to take care of another baby. My marriage was on it's last leg. I knew it wasn't going to last, but I kept hoping that things would change, if only I would do things differently. While he kept company with other women, drinks and drugs, I was taking care of the family home. I did the cooking, cleaning and raising of the children. I got fed up with it when the humiliation was too much to bear. I still kept up appearances for the children's sake and embarrassment from family. I made a decision to enter the workforce so that I could support the kids on my own.
My husband wasn't happy with that decision especially when I made my own friends. One night he forced himself on me and I became pregnant. He thought that would get me to quit my job and stay home where I belonged. That's when I made my decision not to continue the pregnancy. I told myself that it's was early enough that it would be a blob of tissue. Nothing to distinguish it as being a baby. I didn't need to take care of another baby. I wanted out of the marriage and it was already too much to have to raise two kids, but three? I couldn't do it. I hated the thought of carrying another child for him and so hated the child itself. I wanted to get rid of it. So I made an appointment with my obstetrician to have an abortion. No counseling was needed because I knew what I was doing. It was my choice out of need and desperation. The abortion was a two day process. First the doctor inserted something inside to dry out the womb, then the second day, he vacuumed and cleaned house. I didn't feel anything after that. All I felt was relief that I didn't have to go through another baby and I can go on with my plan to divorce this guy.
It's strange that every little baby I saw or heard, every little reference to a pregnancy, made me think of my abortion. I especially didn't want to face what I did when I heard other women talk about their pain of going through an abortion. I wasn't proud of my actions, but I still felt it was the right thing to do. I was embarrassed to admit it to anyone, even to myself that I had killed an unborn. You would think that I would cry to the rooftop of the emancipation of not having another child to take care of. But instead I kept quiet and hid that secret. No one knew.
I was a divorced single woman. Free to do whatever I wanted. No one was going to rule me again. I will make my own choices from now on and no one can say a thing. What else can anyone do after you've been humiliated, abused and your own family practically treats you like a stranger? I was very wary of people. I became cynical and didn't trust anyone to get close to me but I had to taste the freedom of single life.
I made choices to sleep with strangers. Everybody was doing it and they seemed put together. Well, the morning after wasn't much to look forward to. Drinking til I was drunk, I woke up with the worst headache and a stranger beside me. And every time I asked myself what I was thinking. I didn't feel very "cool" just stupid. But I kept doing it. My self- worth didn't exist. I lived the life that could kill me and deep inside, I think that's what I wanted to happen.
I found myself pregnant again. My boyfriend at the time disappeared on me. So I was left with the decision to either carry this pregnancy through or not. The choice was easy. I'm not going to get pregnant with a fatherless child, nor will I burden myself with raising it alone. I had my other two kids to take care of. Another mouth to feed, the need for babysitters, it was too much for me. Although I was getting good pay as a legal secretary, it wasn't enough to raise another child with. But I struggled a little with this decision. I was older and knew more, but I wanted someone else's opinion. So I made an appointment with Planned Parenthood. They confirmed my pregnancy, and I was hoping that they would counsel me. The woman asked me if I made a decision on the pregnancy and I told her no. Instead of "counseling' me, I was told that she couldn't do anything else for me and that if I made the choice of abortion, she had a list of doctors that would do it. Just call our office when you've made your decision. I left confused and angry. I didn't get what I was hoping to get. I found a doctor who would perform the abortion. It cost me $500 up front before he would do it.
At the doctor's office, the nurse asked me if I was nervous about the procedure. I told her yes and she gave me a sedative. It gave me a feeling of not being there. My mind was floating and whatever it was they were doing to me was okay. After the procedure was done I was shown the door and told to only come back if there was excessive bleeding. The morning after, the importance of what I had done hit me like a brick. I was determined not to show anyone that I was stupid enough to do something and then regret it. I played it like it was what I wanted to do. I'm my own woman. No one can tell me what to do.
Why is it that everywhere I went there were these pro-lifers? Why can't they just leave us pro-choice people alone. It's our body, our choice. Why do they have to show these pictures of babies at eight weeks that are supposed to be blobs of tissues? Why are the sonograms of my own children at eight weeks showing them as babies? God was hitting me really hard on this issue. I knew I was doing the wrong thing but I was lying to myself that it didn't matter. I tried to push God aside and doubted His existence. I didn't want my guilt to show on my face nor did I want anyone to tell me of my guilt. But I kept struggling and thinking of these babies of mine that I literally threw away. If I had them they would be this many years old. Would it have been a girl or would it have been a boy? I had prided myself in being a good mother to my two young boys, but yet how good of a mother was I if I made the choice to kill my own children? I finally got down on my knees and asked God to help me. I needed His counsel. I didn't know anything about God except what I learned the few times I went to church. If He loved me why were all these things happening to me? I demanded God to show His power if He really was God. He can change things for me if He truly was God. I didn't expect any answers. I was just screaming in the air. God would not love me anyway after what I had done. My "unpardonable sin." Why would He?
A few months later, I was introduced to a man that I had no intention of ever seeing again. I was through with these fly-by-night affairs. And I had made a choice that from now on the only man I was going to be with would have to be husband material. Or at least someone good enough to be a husband. This guy just didn't fit my idea of what my choice for a husband would be. Plus he was a Navy guy and from my few encounters with Navy men, they were the most philandering bunch of S.O.B.s. Been there, done that. Well, it seemed I wasn't to shake this guy off. The next day after our meeting, we met again in the most unlikely place, the Laundromat. We were married 6 months later and have been blessed with a child, a girl.
You see, God took my challenge with a smile. He has taken care of me through my difficult years when I thought He wasn't around. He gave me the strength to carry on when I thought I just wanted to die. Even after all that I have done, He was loving towards me. I have given my life to Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior. Through His blood I was forgiven of my sins, especially the abortion of my two children. I haven't been able to forget. I still cry every time I think of them. I know that I will one day see them again. They went home to heaven and are waiting for me. I have been happily married for over eight years now. My daughter is an intelligent 2nd grader. My husband and I are living our lives for God. I am no longer searching for love. I have found it in Jesus. He loves me for me and will never walk away from me, abuse me, humiliate me or shun me from His presence. I asked for His forgiveness and He gave it on the Cross.
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