I have bulimia. I believe in God and Jesus and believed that Jesus died for our sins and came back from the dead. I truly believe all that. I have asked God for forgiveness for my bulimia every time I do it. I know sometimes I give in and do it, (on the average about 2 times a week compared to 7 months ago when I was binging and purging six times a day. But I always have it on my mind just like suicide.
And I tell myself that it's the devil's way of trying to take my life, and that's what stops me sometimes from getting drunk, or turning to the bulimia, or taking my life. It's so hard and painful. I used to talk to God a lot, and I love God, and it hurts because I've screwed up so many times and I hate myself because of the hell I put my family and myself threw. People say the past is the past, but it's always thrown up in my face.
I cry when I try to talk to God because it hurts so bad. Because I know I've hurt and disappointed him too, I feel like a failure. (Sorry about the self-pity trip).
I believe in my heart in God and Jesus and that God raised him from the dead, but I have sin in my life. Sometimes I really fight it to get it out of my life, and sometimes I screw up bad. I also smoke and I feel so guilty about that too. So why can't I quit. Why am I not strong enough to get rid of the suicidal thoughts and feelings (that's my worst problem right now)?
I'm scared. I live alone and it's so hard to go home at night. Sometimes I just drive around, or go to the book store and read for hours, or endless walking, until I'm so tired I have to go home.
I try to live my life for God. That's why I'm struggling so much, is it? Is it because for the past 7 years I've lived a life full of sin with the bulimia. Because I've worshiped food and myself instead of God? I knew what I was doing was a sin, but I couldn't ask for help from anyone. But I prayed that God would send someone in my life to help me change every night. I would go to bed wondering if I would make it through the next day because I only weighed 70 pounds and could feel my heart work so hard.
When someone recovers or is in the middle of recovering from something like alcoholism or bulimia, is it normal to feel this way do you know? Because I feel so much pain. Maybe it's because I covered and coped with it all through the addictions? I don't know. I can't sleep anymore, I don't feel like eating (although I do because I'm trying to do good at my recovery with bulimia), I can't focus, I cant think..
When I'm at home and want to take the sleeping pills, I sit and cry and cry and cry and think of God and his love for me and I know he must be telling me in my head not to do it. I've never heard his voice, but sometimes I feel like he talks to me in my head, especially during times like these.
My response is in Green:
You may have read my testimony but if not, I will give you the very short version. I grew up in a Christian home, but when I went into the Marine Corps, I walked away from my faith. I did not quit believing, but I quit following. I wanted to live my way. I did live my way for a little over 20 years, and then God got a hold of me and I came back to Him. However, I had sins that I just could not seem to stop committing. I would pray and repent and sure enough I would go back and do the same thing over and over again. I prayed that God would help me overcome this problem, but it just didn't seem to work. One day I was reading my Bible and praying and I just gave up. I told God that He knew I wanted to stop but that I was not able to. I told Him that if He wanted me to live a holy life, then He was going to have to do it for me because I could not do it myself. I told Him that I was willing for Him to take complete control of my life, because I knew I could not control it myself.
Let me give you a passage of scripture which illustrates what I am talking about: (Romans 6:16-18 NIV)  Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey-whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?  But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted.  You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.
Notice that we are never set free to control our own lives. We are either a slave to sin or a slave to righteousness. That is what most people don't understand. I did not understand it. God will never help you take control of your own life, He wants control and either you give it to Him or you remain a slave to sin. That does not mean you are not saved, it means that your sinful nature is still in control.
This is not talked about much anymore, but it is what the Bible calls sanctification. This is when we are freed from the bondage of sin and God takes control of our lives. I will tell you that I have never felt such freedom as I did when I finally gave up and let God have control of my life.
Here is another passage that deals with this: (Romans 8:1-8 NIV)  Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,  because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.  For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man,  in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.  Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.  The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace;  the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so.  Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.
Notice in verse 6 Paul tells us that the mind controlled by the Spirit is life! God will help you, but you have to be willing to give complete control to Him. Admit that you can't do it. There truly is victory in Jesus. Believe me I still struggle with temptation, but it is different now. Before the temptation over took me like a giant wave. I would get caught up in it and swept away. I felt like I had no control, I could not resist. But now, it is like I see the wave coming and I just quickly pray that God will deliver me and He does.
I am sure what I am saying sounds easy and in a way it is, but in a way it is very hard too. It is hard for us as humans to let go and give God everything. I know I thought I had for years, but now I know that I had kept back a little bit of control and that is where my weakness was. I am not capable of controlling my life. I am no longer embarrassed to admit that. I now have freedom in Christ and have never been happier.
I believe with all my heart He can do the same thing for you.
E-Mail Ralph (Whose comments are in green)