I was really surprised to find your site. It's 2:00 AM in the morning and I'm setting up on the internet, how ever I know it was meant to be. I'm a 31 year old officer myself with a 16 month old child, divorced, and having a really hard time. I have been contemplating suicide for several days and my child is what is keeping me going. I've gotten good at pretending every things ok at work because nobody has noticed or said anything and because of my title I have no one I can talk to. I've spoken briefly with my pastor but I'm still scared to say very much. I know I need help because I've started taking stupid chances at work hoping something will happen. Everybody thinks I'm just a hot shot, for 10 years I've been taking chances that's my job but lately they have been stupid, careless chances. I need advice can you help me, before it goes to far.
My response is in Green:
Thank you for writing me. I always try to make my first response to a person about Jesus Christ, but I take it from some of what you wrote that you are a Christian? That is the most important part, making sure you are right with God.
All I can say is; been there, done that... My life was different than yours, but yet very much the same. I can remember doing some really stupid things near the close of my career. Like you, I managed to fool everyone. I can remember going to fights at bars and getting there before everyone else and going right in. I also remember going to a man with a knife and going in by myself without even letting anyone know I was on the scene. Very stupid, but most of my men just thought I was macho.
I remember all too well the feelings of hopelessness and despair. I had accepted Christ as my savior as a child, but I was not living my life for Him. I was doing my own thing and would not even admit to myself that I need anybody or anything, I could do it for myself. Of course I was wrong. I had screwed up my life so badly that I was not sure there was any possibility of salvaging it.
I found that the only thing that could help me was Jesus. The hard part was allowing Him to help. As I am sure you also feel, it was always kind of like asking for help was a sign of weakness and you would never show any weakness to anyone! That is pride and self worship and that was one of the things God had to hit me over the head with to get my attention. I am pretty hard headed so He had to hit me pretty hard.
You asked if I have any advise, you bet I do! It will sound too simple and on the other hand you might not like the idea, but you need to get on your knees and get right with God. You may tell me that I don't know what I am talking about that you are right with God, but that is a lie! If you were right with God you would not be contemplating suicide. It is that simple. So if you are not right with God and you are contemplating suicide, you have a major problem if you die!!
I try to be a straight shooter, I don't candy coat anything and I won't tell you something just so you can feel good or like me, but I will tell you the truth. God loves you and He wants what is best for you and that is NOT suicide. If God wanted you dead, you would be dead. There is nothing we can do to keep God from doing what He wants.
God wants to give you victory, over this world and even over death, but He has to be in control. He will not share control with you or anyone else. It is His way or your way. Sounds like you have tried it your way just like I did and let's face it that does not work.
The best thing you can do is talk to God. Tell Him exactly how you feel. If you have to write it down to get it out then do it and then read it to Him. This is for you not God, He already knows what you feel and where you are at, but you have to quit lying to Him and yourself and the only way to do that is to be honest and get it out on the table. I have had to do this too and it is not as easy as it sounds.
Just talk to Him, tell Him how you feel. Tell Him you would rather be dead then alive. Tell Him you are tired of this crap, that you are just plain tired! Tell Him you need rest and not just physical rest but real spiritual rest. Only He can give you that. The good news is that He will if you allow Him too. Tell Him how much you hate the crap that goes on, the death, the pain, the stupid crap people do. Just don't be surprised if He lets you know He feels the same way. Tell Him that you need His help and that He is going to have to do it all because you don't even know how to ask for what you need. Of course if what I have written is not true don't tell Him, but I think I have probably hit it on the head if you are willing to admit it.
One of my favorite verses is this: (Revelation 21:4 NIV) He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
That is pretty awesome, one day we who have trusted in Jesus Christ as our savior will have the King of the universe wipe away our tears and we will never have a reason to shed another one! I can't wait!! Yet I know that God has kept me on this earth for a reason, so I will continue to do what I can to serve Him. I don't know what He has in mind for you but I will guarantee you that if you will allow Him to control your life, He has a plan for it. I was never really happy until I got where God wanted me to be. I wanted to be a cop since I was seven years old. I made it, I made Sergeant and was a shift commander but I still felt empty. I found that what I had always wanted to do was worthless in the big picture, but once I let God lead me, I found that He is using those years to help me minister to others. I still miss police work, but I am so much happier now. I am not trying to say that God does not want you to be a cop, I don't know that, but I do know that He wants you to put Him first above everything else and that includes your job.
Well I want to try to keep this pretty short. Yeah I know it's too late for short, but hey, at least I can keep from making it any longer. Please write me back. I want to help if I can. I will also pray for you. Please think about what I have said with an open mind. I don't have all the answers but I know Who does.
Take care and be careful!!
E-Mail Ralph (Whose comments are in green)