It is only my kids who are keeping me alive.

Hi,

I'm the mom of 2 kids. I'm 32 and have been married for 11 ½ years. My husband is a good, patient, man. We have had our ups and downs but not long ago we had a huge "argument". Or should I say I argued, yelled, threatened he just sat there as if to say are you done yet. He would never hit me, call me names, or anything like that but he slowly hurts me every day with inconsiderate actions. He knows I don't like him to go to bars and I made the compromise to "give him" his 1 night out with his friends they always go to a bar. I don't think for a minute he's seeing other women I've checked up on him on and off throughout the years when he never even knew it he just likes to play pool and go into this other world for a while. His way of escape I understand it but I hate it anyway! Especially the message it sends to our kids! I was raised in a strict Christian home and my dad would never have done that! Avoiding the appearance of evil and all. I know I am not his judge God is and I know he has to be head of our house God told me so Himself. I just feel so used. I compromised because it's better than the alternative, what he "used to do". Go out, not tell me where or when he was coming home, and I would be left home worrying and scared something would happen to him. So this is a lot better but still not what it should be. You see all I want is a normal life. I want to know when to make dinner, have a regular time to expect him home, and to know when he tells me something he will stick to it. I need the security of knowing that he truly loves me, because he tells me so and treats me so freely. We had this bad sleet storm Tuesday he took his friends home first didn't bother to get home himself until 9:45 because he didn't want to travel in the weather I understood but he had originally told me he was staying at his friends it would be closer to work and less of a drive the next morning I didn't like it but accepted it. He then said he'd call me back in a couple of hours only to show up 1 hour 45minutes later. This after he didn't even call me so I'd know when he originally left work. The next day he said I won't go out tonight just to work ok (I hated to see him travel in such bad weather the next morning) Only to get a phone call the very next day to say oh by the way I'm not coming home for dinner Im going out for dinner with the guys. And got home 12:15 am. This from a man who never tells me he loves me without me saying so first. Who when I say how all this feels gives me nothing but a blank look as if to say my viewpoint is ludicrist! Her gives my feelings no validation! He deliberately does things sets them up as to not be at home. It doesn't matter how I try to make him happy, or what behavior I change, his stays the same. Then when I finally have enough and blow up it ends up back in my face for saying hurtful angry things under distress! How can I keep on living when I can hardly function emotionally. I end up snapping at my kids and shutting myself up! And then the self contemp only multiplies! I don't want to die I want things to change! Im tired of hurting! So exhausted of it all! The real reason I don't hurt myself is because I don't think anyone else could ever really be a good mom to them but me. Im sorry for dumping so much Im just so depressed I cant see straight!

Mom in trouble

My response is in Green:

Thank you for writing me. You did not come right out and say but I take it from your letter that you are a Christian? I ask because it makes all the difference in the world as to how I answer your letter. If you are not a Christian; meaning that you have never accepted Christ as your personal Savior, then that is the very first thing you need to do. If on the other hand you are a born again Christian, then I can answer some of your questions now.

I will proceed in the assumption that you are a Christian. If not please write me back and let me know, and I will talk to you about what you can do to get right with God.

I am sorry to hear that your husband is acting like he is. The main problem is his relationship with God. If he gets right with God these other things will fall into place. So you need to pray for him and ask God to deal with his heart. Next you need to deal with God too. I understand your frustration and depression, but I will tell you that the very first place you should go is to God. If your husband refuses to be the godly man that he should then God will be your husband. What I mean is God will be your helper and your support. But He can only do it if you allow Him to. You have to take your concerns to Him and trust Him to be right there by your side day and night.

You need to take a step back and realize that there is nothing you can do about your husband, but there is something you can do about your reaction to him. You can let this stuff destroy you or you can take it to the Lord and just live your life the way God wants you to and not let it bother you. I know some of the stuff will always bother you but you have a choice as to how to handle it.

I am glad your kids are holding you back from doing something like committing suicide. Suicide is not the answer. It does not solve problems it just locks those problems on your back for eternity. Think about this. Part of your problem now is that you wonder if your husband really loves you and you worry about him when he does not call and let you know what is going on. Let's say that you kill yourself and find yourself in punishment. You will still be the same person, that is your mind and soul, what makes you, you. You would be separated from everything you love. You would be away from your kids and have no way of knowing what is happening with them. You would never know if your husband really loved you, or what was happening with him. Now if the reason you were to kill yourself was because you could not take not knowing these things then it would be the worst decision you could ever make. That is why I say that suicide just locks the problems on your back for eternity. For eternity you would not know what happened to your kids or your husband. You would not know if they made it to heaven or not. All of that leaves out one other point and that is God. You would have to answer to Him for taking your own life.

I am often accused of being too blunt and that is probably right, but I don't know any other way to be. I am not trying to say that you don't have problems or that you should just forget the problems you have. I am just saying that you have to fight the battles you have a chance of winning and not allow the others to get you to the point of depression because you can't do anything about them. Most of all I am trying to tell you that the most help you can get will be from God. He cares and He has the ability to make a difference, but He can only do that if you trust Him and allow Him to deal with you along with the problems.

You can't do much about the negative influence your husband has on the kids, but you can sure do something about the influence you have on the kids. You can show them how to handle a problem when they have one. Let's face it, they will have their own problems and they will handle them the way they saw you handle yours. If you take it to God and lean on Him, they are much more likely to do so too. If you don't deal with the problems well, they won't deal with theirs well either.

This might work for you and it might not, but you might try keeping a journal. I keep one in which I talk to God. I try to write in it as often as I can. I write to God. I tell Him about how I feel and what is bothering me. God is a person (albeit not like us), and He wants to have a personal relationship with you. We find that hard because it feels like a one way conversation. It is hard to truly discuss your feelings when you feel like you are talking to yourself. The benefit of the journal is that it is like writing a letter to a friend. If you view it like that you can easily get into the habit of communicating with God. He already knows your hurts and your problems, but He wants you to come to Him with them. That is a sign of trust and friendship. You are the one who will benefit from it.

You also need the support of other Christians. That is what the Christian community is all about, helping and supporting each other. Don't lose out on the support you could have because you are too depressed to talk to people. Satan would love for you to stay depressed because if you are depressed your are not witnessing for Christ. It all comes down to the battle that Paul spoke about. We need God's help and we need the support of other believers. They can pray for you and they can listen which is also a great help.

Jesus understands our troubles and our weaknesses and He wants to help us, but we stand in the way of His help most of the time. Allow Him to help you by trusting Him with your hurts and fears. If you have a relationship with Him, I will guarantee that He will help you. If you don't have that personal relationship, like I said at the beginning that is the first step, and the only step that will help.

Remember God loves you.

Ralph

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