I can't stand the torment anymore.

I have read many of the things you have posted on your website. It is not impossible or unreasonable for a Christian to want to commit suicide; in my own experience there seems to be more of a reason to do so. One small example in my life is this: when we are involved in certain things such as second marriage and then accept Christ after the fact, God does not lend a hand in any way for this committed sin. He offers no way out since He hates divorce and so far over the years has not offered me any peace either. Besides having a rotten marriage to another Christian, life sucks anyway. Since accepting and asking Christ into my life years ago, I have felt more useless, ignored, ugly, less tolerant, unhappy, less needed, and so on ever since. I did the church thing for a while then became so sick of people having pity for me. Every where I went it was obvious to everyone that I was upset, sad, depressed, ill, and suicidal. Like seeing a wounded animal along side of a road - not really caring truly about the species, just a quick fixer upper for the wound - that is what people viewed me as while they were so thankful they weren't me! As anyone can see from my condition today, none of that works. I constantly pray to the Lord for forgiveness, for help, guidance, patience, to bless my marriage, etc. It gets old after a while seeing no positive results and I am not given the power to hang on. I don't even know how I hung on this long but it's over with this time. I am so useless and God still has not given me purpose. I have no friends, no family, nothing. My husband has no time for me because he would rather be with his three young pieces of crap (kids) at his ex-wife's house. Funny, the more I ask(ed) God for peace, help and all the other positive things, the more went wrong and now it's to the point where I finally got the idea; God is not and will not bless this marriage because it came out of sin. I was previously married and divorced so I am an adulteress in God's eyes though forgiven - doesn't mean He's going to make things all better now. My husband works 2 full time jobs and the $60,000 he makes per year goes to his ex-wife, their house, second mortgage, 3 kids, his car, his penalty from a crime long before he met me, and the IRS. I solely support this household financially. What this has caused is extreme stress and my husband can't deal with it anymore either. He gets about an hour of sleep per day because of his having to work or go to jail, has to babysit cause his ex wife works too and so on. This leaves me lonely, sad, useless, hateful, etc. I hate kids and always have. I once had one and got rid of it cause the experience really sucked - what a waste of time. Now I am haunted with three other sucky brats who win my husband over me. No, this was not how it always was.

My response is in Green:

There is no doubt in my mind that a Christian can get to the point of thinking about suicide. That does not however, make it okay. I will warn you up front that I am a very blunt person and I call it like I see it.

You have judged God and He came up short, but it is you who are wrong. You said that God will not honor your marriage. Again you are wrong. Have you ever heard the names David and Bathsheba? If you remember David had an adulterous affair with Bathsheba and she got pregnant. David then tried to cover up the affair but when that failed he had Bathsheba's husband killed and then married Bathsheba. Now you did not give me all the details of your first marriage or your divorce but I tend to think that it wasn't as bad as what David and Bathsheba did.

Did God bless their marriage? Well have you ever heard of Solomon? He was Bathsheba and David's son. Now David had plenty of other wives that God could have blessed with the next king. Yet God chose David and Bathsheba to bless with the next king, which by the way was part of the line of the Messiah. Bathsheba is one of only four women mentioned in the lineage of Jesus Christ.

You also said that you will always be an adulteress in God's eyes although forgiven. Again I think you are wrong. Let's go back to our good friend David. When God described David how did He do it? Did He call him the adulterer, murderer, whom I have forgiven? No, He called him a man after God's own heart!! When God says that He will forgive you and then not remember your sins against you anymore, that is exactly what He means. You might not be able to put your sins behind you, but God has if you have been forgiven.

When Jesus was asked what the most important commandments were this was His answer: (Mark 12:29-31 NIV) "The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. {30} Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' {31} The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." I brought that up because of the way you described your husband's children. I can understand that you are bitter that your husband has to work hard to support the 'mistake' he made in the past, but those children did not do anything wrong. They had no choice who their parents would be.

You also mentioned that since accepting Christ into your life you have felt worse then you did before. I have a real problem with statements like that. My biggest problem is that you only seem to think about you and now. Do you realize what God did for you? Do you really understand the pain and sacrifice Jesus made for you? It sure doesn't sound like you do.

I have some tough teaching for you; Jesus did not come to earth to suffer and die so that you could have a comfortable wonderful life. He came to save you from eternal damnation which you deserve (as well as every human being ever born). He took your shame and your filth upon Himself so that you would not have to pay for it continually for eternity.

The benefit to accepting Christ is to have peace and be reconciled to God the Father, but that does not mean we will have a comfortable life. God will help us through our struggles and if we live in His will, we can have a deep peace in our souls, which goes well above any problems we might encounter in this life. However, if a person accepts Christ as their Savior in order to have a comfortable life, they will most likely be sadly disillusioned. People who come to Christ solely for what He can do for them, instead of out of a sense of need for forgiveness often don't understand who they are and who God is. Without that knowledge a person cannot have a true relationship with their Creator.

My husband and I were happy in the beginning, he spent time with me and didn't have to work all those jobs. His brats were with their mother and not around me. Again, the more I prayed to Jesus for guidance as I saw things changing, the more things changed and now I certainly feel I have been ignored all this time, wasting my time. I just can't seem to get that happiness about me to tell anyone else about Jesus; they take one look at me and say they want nothing to do with a God who allows things like this for fear their own cozy life will turn into ruin like mine. Just try to explain to someone the promises, peace, and all that other stuff - as you yourself are suffering and can't even look at anyone in the face - and aren't give the means to do so even through Christ. God has no use obviously for people like me, that's why He ignores me and why I am destine to be ignored in life.

Did you ever think that maybe Satan knows that if he can keep you miserable you will never be a witness for Christ? I see this a lot. People want God to make them happy and then they will serve Him. They forget what He has already done for them, they focus only on what He has not done. I have several friends who have cancer. One of them will most likely die from it soon. I watch them and try to encourage them, and an amazing thing happens. I am the one who walks away encouraged, because of the sense of joy in their lives. They don't want to have this disease, they don't want to die, but they know that God is in control and no matter what happens He will not leave them. Their peace transcends their physical problems.

Like I said in the beginning of this message, I am a very blunt person. I don't know how to be anything else. I see a bitterness in your heart that God needs to deal with before He will deal with anything else. You say you have asked Him to help you and He is not doing anything. Well have you ever gotten on your knees and told Him that you realize you have a problem. That you need His help in changing this deep bitterness in your heart? Until you face that and deal with it your prayers aren't going to get past the ceiling. God loves you, but you have to deal with what is separating you from Him.

You said that God has no use for people like you. That is a lie. Christ died for you. He died for you because God loves you and does have plans for you. He is not ignoring you, maybe He is trying to get your attention. Do you want to read some of the saddest passages in the Bible? Take a look at this: (Amos 4:6-10 NIV) "I gave you empty stomachs in every city and lack of bread in every town, yet you have not returned to me," declares the LORD. {7} "I also withheld rain from you when the harvest was still three months away. I sent rain on one town, but withheld it from another. One field had rain; another had none and dried up. {8} People staggered from town to town for water but did not get enough to drink, yet you have not returned to me," declares the LORD. {9} "Many times I struck your gardens and vineyards, I struck them with blight and mildew. Locusts devoured your fig and olive trees, yet you have not returned to me," declares the LORD. {10} "I sent plagues among you as I did to Egypt. I killed your young men with the sword, along with your captured horses. I filled your nostrils with the stench of your camps, yet you have not returned to me," declares the LORD. Could it be that God is making you miserable so that you will truly come to Him without demands, without conditions, and truly give your heart and soul to Him?

God also promises to provide me with what I need; apparently He thinks I do not need love or a caring human being in my life - because I have none and don't think I ever had. Now I'm to the point where I want nothing to do with anyone. I have been suicidal since a young age and when I think back to those first thoughts long ago and compare it to all the things that happened since then - I really wish I had done myself in. A Christian who commits suicide is forgiven as forgiven with any other sin. Since I did not earn God's forgiveness by any works of my own in my life, there is no sin I can commit that would un-do what Jesus came her to do for us. The times which I tried to pass on the Gospel - no one listened, again because my life was a fine example of what other people feared - they didn't want to look and feel the way I do - to constantly pray to a God yet still be so unhappy from no response.

I know that you probably think I am being too tough on you and I am sure that others will think so too, but the truth is the truth. You don't even seem to know who God is. You make statements like these but you can't see what is going on around you. You don't see that it is your own bitterness which is destroying your life, not a lack of compassion from God. (Job 40:8 NIV) "Would you discredit my justice? Would you condemn me to justify yourself?"

I don't want to get into a long discussion of doctrine, but I feel compelled to say something about your thought that you have already been forgiven if you commit suicide. First you better make sure that you truly have a relationship with God. I don't say that to attack you, but to warn you. If you, yourself don't see any fruit in your spiritual life then you might want to make sure your really have life.

Beyond that I am troubled by people who claim that once a person is saved it does not matter how they act or what they do, God has to accept them because Jesus died for them. As I said I don't want to get into a long discussion on this, but I would like to just quote some verses which should make you stop and think. These are all written to believers:

(Ezekiel 18:20-24 NIV) The soul who sins is the one who will die. The son will not share the guilt of the father, nor will the father share the guilt of the son. The righteousness of the righteous man will be credited to him, and the wickedness of the wicked will be charged against him. {21} "But if a wicked man turns away from all the sins he has committed and keeps all my decrees and does what is just and right, he will surely live; he will not die. {22} None of the offenses he has committed will be remembered against him. Because of the righteous things he has done, he will live. {23} Do I take any pleasure in the death of the wicked? declares the Sovereign LORD. Rather, am I not pleased when they turn from their ways and live? {24} "But if a righteous man turns from his righteousness and commits sin and does the same detestable things the wicked man does, will he live? None of the righteous things he has done will be remembered. Because of the unfaithfulness he is guilty of and because of the sins he has committed, he will die.

(Matthew 5:22 NIV) But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca, ' is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell.

(1 Corinthians 3:16-17 NIV) Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you? {17} If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him; for God's temple is sacred, and you are that temple. This one sure sounds like it covers suicide!

(Revelation 2:7 NIV) He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God.

(Revelation 2:11 NIV) He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. He who overcomes will not be hurt at all by the second death.

(2 Peter 1:10-11 NIV) Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall, {11} and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

There are many more passages which would tend to show that a person has the responsibility to follow God and His will. You are right that our works have nothing to do with our salvation, but that does not mean that God does not demand that we follow Him. If you are in your right mind so to speak when you commit suicide, then you would have to admit that it was a deliberate sin. So look at this one last passage: (Hebrews 10:26-27 NIV) If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, {27} but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. I personally would not be willing to take that great a gamble with my eternal destiny.

As I think about the future, it is an uglier sight than what is going on now. Besides my own life falling apart, the whole world is a depressing place. Everything is money and greed. Further, the Bible is full of the horrible future. Just a surely as I will die one day, those things in the Bible must happen as well.

Why do you think God has not taken you home to be in heaven yet? That is a question you should search for an answer to for yourself. It is one that I have asked, and the answer I came up with will probably not be appealing to you. I believe if you are a child of God, then He keeps you on this earth to serve Him. Not to have children and a happy life, but to serve Him. He wants everyone to hear about His love for them and have the opportunity to accept or reject His free gift of salvation. That is what we all are; missionaries in a foreign land. When He is finished with His plan for your life and if you are a true believer, then He will take you home.

There is a point where God will take you home to spare you more pain, but it is up to Him when you reach that point: (Isaiah 57:1-2 NIV) The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. {2} Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.

I have tried so many things; changing attitude, changing physically, changing emotionally and all combined - it enabled more people to walk all over me and leave me holding the bag - for which I have never been given the strength to keep on doing over and over again. I truly feel ignored by God. Now I have to start my life over again because I believe my husband has finally left me. Knowing I can never have a happy marriage with anyone no matter what, really depresses me. Again, whether it is this guy or that guy - God will not bless something like that. I may be forgiven for divorce and re-marriage but that doesn't mean it will be a nice happy peaceful marriage. SO since I have spent the past 12 years of my life as married, I have nothing more to look forward to in this life. I hate my work, I am terrible at it. I am not attractive and can't seem to get another job - I've been searching for two years now and no one wants me.

What's really sad is this husband is the only person I have ever truly loved in my whole life and he and I have to let go because he hasn't time for me. God hasn't helped him either. God didn't help him in the 17 years he was married to his ex - he finally had to leave her because it was so horrible. I understand that because I saw that household for myself and could not believe those people were Christians!

That is my point, how do you know a person is a Christian? Because they say they are? No by their life. If their life shows not fruit of the Spirit then you have to wonder if the Spirit is in them. If the Spirit is not in them, then they are not Christians. You keep going back to the point that God has not helped you, and He has not helped your husband. God gave His only Son to die for your sins, how do you think He feels when He knows you think He has not done anything for you?

You have a choice to make. You can thumb your nose at God one last time and kill yourself, but you should not do it with any misconceptions at all. If you kill yourself you are telling God that you don't care what His plan for your life is. You are telling Him that you don't believe He can or will help you. You are saying that either He is not powerful enough to handle your problems or that He does not love you enough to help you. Which one of those do you want to tell Him when you meet Him face to face?

On the other hand you can try giving your whole life to Christ. You can take your focus off of your and put it where it belongs; on Christ. You can ask Him to help you live the kind of life He wants for you. You can look at the eternal things He has already done for you and be thankful instead of bitter. You can get up everyday and thank God that He cared enough about you to try to get your attention. Face it if God did not love you, He would never have drawn you to Himself, He would never have sent Jesus to die for you, and you would not take even one more breath.

Well, thanks for reading a tiny piece of the whole terrible sad gut wrenching story. I will have to make painful decisions very soon but I highly doubt I will have the strength to get through it -that is why I am in the state of mind I am - because when I have prayed for the help in the past, I got nothing and had to fend for myself; now I am immune to everything so I don't have to feel that pain once again. You don't need to write back, I am not even sure I will be needing the internet anymore and may cancel my service at anytime.

I pray that you do read this message. I pray that others will read this exchange also and realize that there is more to God then making them happy. Oh how we belittle the Creator of the universe when we perceive Him only as a genie in the sky who waits to make us happy. The real pity is that we can never be happy until we are in His will. He will not conform to our will, we must conform to His. I have not written this from a cozy little life which has been free of pain and problems. I too have thought about suicide. I too have thought that God was not listening or didn't care. I too wanted God to make me happy. I won't go into all my sinful past, but believe me I am one of the worst of sinners, as Paul also said. Yet I have found peace and freedom in Christ, but only when I truly made Him Lord of my life. I spent almost 40 years running my life into the ground. I finally had to admit that I was a total failure, devoid of any worth inside myself. I praise God that He loved me even in my worthless sinful state. He took me from the depths of sin and gave me my freedom.

Am I still worthless? In and of myself, yes. Do I have a purpose in Christ, yes. I no longer live for myself, I live for Christ. I would not have believed this if it had not happened to me, but when I decided that I owed God and He did not owe me anything, that is when I found the happiness I had longed for all my life. My peace and joy are in the relationship I have with God.

I still don't have much as far as material things. I still struggle with the horrible irresponsible decisions I made in the past, but I know God does not remember them, because He chooses not to remember them. I know He loves me and although He won't take the consequences of those past mistakes away, He will never make me deal with them alone.

I beg you, give God a chance. You feel that you want to die, okay, but try dying to Christ. If your life is not worth living then live a new life in Christ. Tell Him you want the old self to die and for Him to give you a new life. He will!!

I will pray for you.



E-Mail Ralph (Whose comments are in green)

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