I want to die, I'm bored with life.

I want to die, I'm bored with life, this world has nothing for me, and eternal life is like hell for me, I've been told that I suffer from clinical depression from other email help organisations, I just can't stop feeling isolated. I've lost all motovation in life. I just don't care about things I used to -like finding a girl or appearing 'cool' Thing is I'm only 16 and I've felt this way for almost 3 years now. I just can't be bothered to make an effort, so my life isn't quite fair, it might be better tomorrow, I just want to laugh again, but then why bother, who cares? and don't tell me Jesus cares because I lost faith with my former happiness in my younger days, It's not even like I have it real bad either, I have a nice family, live in a nice area, but people just don't like me. Rerely do I ever go out. I was forced to find work because I was becoming too isolated and suicidal. I just can't see a way out from this pain. I've had advice to seek medical advice but I just can't face going to the doctor and being told I'm crazy. I relise that suicide will have a real bad effect on my family but I'm getting more and more depressed as the days go on. I userd to say "that will never happen to me" but now I relise, it is happening to me.,if someone tried to kill me would I stop them? probably not, I'm quite paranoid now. I feel I'm going insane. I tried talking to someone about how I felt with the aid of my website (childofthekorn.8k.com) but now everyone thinks I'm a syco. One day I feel ok and even happy but more oftern I just want to kill myself. Would anyone miss me if I died? I doubt it other than my family. I just can't be happy.
It's not some beatnik-cool, black shades, and Burroughs thing.
It's not some "I'm so sad so please feel sorry for me" thing
It's not some unloved child, now pay attention to me thing
It's simply a Leave Me Alone, I Can't Be Happy thing

My response is in Green:

You made some interesting statements. For instance you said that eternal life is like hell to you. Well I have some bad news for you. One place or another you will live forever. Either you will spend eternity in hell or in heaven. When a Christian talks about eternal life, they are talking about living with God but to be honest like I said we will all live in one place or another forever.

You also said that I should not tell you that Jesus cares about you. Why? You said because you lost faith earlier in your life. Okay, I won't argue with you about that, but that does not change the fact that Jesus does love you. If my daughter tells me not to tell her that the stove is hot, does that mean the stove stops being hot? Of course not, and neither does it mean that Jesus does not love you.

God has shown that He loves you by sending Jesus to die for your sins. You have the choice to reject that love and reject God and by doing so tell Him that you would rather spend eternity in hell than with Him, but it is your choice. He won't force Himself on you, you have to decide to accept the gift He has offered you or refuse it.

Have you ever sat down and really thought about what death will bring you? You said you think about suicide a lot. What do you think about it? What do you think suicide will give you? See I had a time in my life when I thought a lot about it too. I will tell you what I thought. I was tired, I did not want to deal with all the junk in my life anymore. I kept thinking that death would be like getting rest. I would be at peace and everything would be fine after that. The problem was that all I was thinking about was how I felt then, not what would happen the moment I died.

I started looking at what would happen when I died. You should do this too for yourself. I will tell you what I concluded for what it is worth. I will go through a short list of what I thought were possibilities:

First is the becoming part of the universe idea. This is what some people think. They think we are no more than animals and what will happen to us is the same thing that will happen to my dog when she dies. You just cease to exist. That sounded okay at first, until I really started thinking about it. I just could not believe that everything I am, everything I have experienced, everything that is me, would just cease to exist.

I have no trouble dealing with the fact that before I was born I did not exist, but to think that one moment I would be alive and the next darkness, nothing... Well that was just too much for me to comprehend. There is something deep inside of me that knows I won't just cease to exist. At first I could not explain it. The very fact that I wanted to die, showed that I knew there was something more to life than just this. I wanted to die so that I would feel better, but if I ceased to exist, well then life was just a joke. I found my answer to this in the Bible: (Ecclesiastes 3:11 NIV) He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. You don't have to believe me, but deep down in my heart I know and I knew then that one way or another death would just put the real me in a different place. The thoughts, the likes and dislikes, and even the pain would not cease to exist.

Other people think that life is a big circle. If you live a good life here and now, then you will come back and as better person, more powerful and richer next time. They believe in reincarnation. You know I had a problem with that too. Let's say that I have been a very mean bad person in this life, who says I have to pay for that in the next life? Who is in charge? Who gets to decide who was naughty and who was nice, who gets to come back to a good life and who has to come back and suffer? These people claim there is no God, but to me there has to be a God for reincarnation, someone has to make the decisions and make them stick.

Now if there is a God, then reincarnation makes no sense. Why would God send a person back to suffer at the hands of someone else who would then have to suffer in the next life? Sorry it just doesn't hold water to me. So I rejected it.

Next there are those who think that God loves everyone the same. No matter what your life is like He will open His arms and welcome you into heaven. Hey that sounded pretty good. That would explain why I knew I would not cease to exist and it would explain why even the reincarnationist know there is a God. The Bible tells us that God loves us, so this was looking pretty good. That would also mean that death is not a bad thing it is a good thing because I would be escaping this world and all of its pain and suffering and would end up in a better place.

If I am going to spend eternity with God I would like to know who He is. He is love, cool, but what else? Well He has to be all powerful, otherwise He could not be God. He should be fair, after all if He is not fair then what would heaven be like, just like this life? That presents a problem, if God is fair, then why should I be treated just like Hitler? I have lived a better life than him. Okay, I have not lived as good a life as Mother Teresa, but still it has been better then some murderer or rapist. Why should they live eternity in the same comfort as the people they hurt or killed. That does not seem fair. God must be just and fair, otherwise life and death neither one are fair. Well the Bible says that God is just and fair and merciful and loving. But what does that mean to me? And to you?

Here is the bottom line. We are all sinful, meaning that we have done things which are wrong. God is holy, meaning that He has never done anything wrong. He is just, meaning that He demands justice and part of justice is punishment for doing something wrong. He is merciful, meaning that He wants to help those who have to pay for doing wrong. He is loving, meaning that He loves those who do wrong.

Put all that in a pot and stir and you come up with a problem. God loves us, but He demands that we pay for our wrong deeds, which we have all done. He loves us and wants to show us mercy, but His holy nature demands that we pay for our sins. The payment is death, which includes separation from Him.

Now if God was a human, He would probably of just written us off. Just started over with other creatures and make sure these new ones couldn't do any wrong. But God is not human, He is God, so He did what we would probably never have thought of. He decided to pay our debt Himself. He decided to send His one and only Son to die for our sins. Because God is holy and has never sinned, He was able to take all the sins that all the people have committed at one time. He died to pay for our sins.

So now we are back to God forgiving everyone of everything, but where is the fairness in that? Well, it is not quite that easy, God made it fair by only forgiving those who are willing to believe that He did what He did and those who are willing to admit that they deserved to die in the first place. Unless a person admits that they have done wrong and that they can't change what they have done and that they need God's mercy, there is no forgiveness.

So there we go, a God who is fair, loving, holy, merciful, and just. Those who refuse to accept His free gift will suffer in hell and will deserve to do so. Those who do accept His forgiveness, no matter how bad a person they were, if they change and follow Him, will go to heaven and God will never bring up their sin again.

This was the only thing that made any sense to me. It explained why this world is the way it is. Because God loves us enough to give us the choice to decide to be good or bad. He could stop all the evil in the world with one word, but then we would be slaves and have no choices. That is not love. It also explained my choices in a way I could understand them. I could keep doing the things I was, which were making me miserable and eventually die and go to hell, or I could admit that there was a God, who loved me and wanted something better for me. All I had to do was believe and see what would happen.

So where does that leave you? It is simple, you are depressed and feel like killing yourself because there is a battle going on. Satan hates God. He hates God because he sinned and God did not forgive him. God did not give him a way to get out of punishment. It drives Satan nuts that God loved us enough to die for us and yet He won't give Satan another chance.

Satan would like to do something to hurt God, but he can't. He has no power over God. Yet he thinks he has found a way to hurt God. Satan knows that God loves you, and would like for you to spend eternity with Him. Now if Satan can convince you that there is nothing to live for and you kill yourself, you will have sealed your future. God only gives us the chance to accept His Son while we are alive. After we die, we stand judgment. For those who have accepted Christ as their Savior, God sees that their sins have been paid for. But for those who have not accepted Christ, God sees their sin and His justice demands that He sentence them to hell.

God wants a personal relationship with you. He wants you to love Him, not because you have to but because you want to. I won't tell you that the day you accept Christ all your troubles will just disappear. They might, but most likely you will still have times when you are depressed and don't like your life, the difference is that all you have to do is keep trusting God and He will help you. My life is better now then it has ever been. I have been where you are now. I have hated my life and wanted to die. I know what I am talking about.

I hope you will give God a chance. What have you got to lose? You have a lot to gain. Let me tell you a secret. If you start thinking of giving God a chance, Satan will probably bring to your mind all the things that you won't be able to do if you follow God. Okay, there are some things that you should stop. If you get right with God you should try to live a holy life and not sin. But the stupid part of this whole argument is this; if you kill yourself you are giving up all those things too, yet you want to commit suicide, so why would you let giving them up stand between you and God? See Satan's lies don't even make sense. Again I will tell you that I am happier now then at any time in my life. I would not go back to the way I was no matter what.

Well this has gotten longer than I meant for it to, but I wanted to be honest with you about my thoughts and there was no short way. Feel free to write back or post this on your website too, if you would like to. I know this is the answer, but the choice is up to you.



E-Mail Ralph (Whose comments are in green)

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