What did I do to deserve this?

I read about how it is said that we are supposed to pay for all of our wrongs.What I can't to understand is what did I do wrong?

My life was like any other until I was 8 years old and my mother and brother died in a car crash. My life has gone totally down hill every since then. Every year, another death in the family. I'm 19 and NEVER had a GF. I have no friends, I'm told that I'm to ugly to have to have friends and gf's. I'm fat, no good at anything. I can't swim, dance, I'm not smart or anything.

What did I do to deserve losing my mother and brother? I mean, I was 8 and I've always been told that I was always a great kid. I just don't seem to understand.

It seems like nothing is important anymore. I can't even leave the house. I went through a time to where I didn't even leave the house for 6 months.

I cry all the time.I feel sad all the time, I feel fat and ugly and unattractive. I can't get motivated for anything. I hate to wake up. This has been a problem since I was 16 and I'm going on 20 soon.

I did believe in god and I was saved in JULY 1997.About a month after that is when it all started. it wasn't much at first, just a few bad days..Then depression hit more and more often.

Then I started to think that it was probably my weight because I weight 330 at the time.I had no friends or a gf and I thought that losing weight would help the problem..now I weigh 220 pounds and nothing has changed my depression is at a all time high.

I don't understand how the depression didn't hit until after I was saved.Up until the last year I feel that I was a good person.Now it's like I hate everybody i see.I can't seem to like anyone because they never wanted to be my friend.THe thing is that I seem to hate women more than anything be-cause I was never gaven a chance to make a girl happy. Noone ever gave me that chance.

It mostly seems to revolve around love. I've been the hug type of person my whole life.I try to express love to anyone and I feel I am rejected.would just like go up and give a family memeber a hug and they will be like"get off me"

I've always dreamed of the day I would have a women to just hug and love forever but I'm never gaven the chance to show who I really am and so I've turned into this person that always has a mad look on my face or just drop my head low and never look at anyone.

I have my good days..then BOOM out of nowhere the depression hits for no reason at all. It gets worse and I just dunno what to do.

Sorry for my spelling misstakes but Like I said, I'm plain out dumb.

My response is in Green:

I am truly sorry to hear about your mother and your brother. No you did not do anything to deserve what happened. I am not sure if you were referring to something you read on my site or not, but let me make sure you understand. We are all responsible to pay for our sins. Sins meaning those things which violate God's law. However, our payment is not by having bad things happen to us in this life. Our payment is death, the death of our souls in hell. God was not punishing you or anyone else by the death of your mother and brother.

You know you have a lot of insights for a person your age. I am not sure you realize how much insight you have. You said that everything seems to revolve around love. You are right, but you are looking for love in the wrong places. You said that you were saved in 1997 and that is great. It is a great first step and the most important step, but it is not the only step you need to make. You need to look to God for your fulfillment. You need to put Him first in your life, then He will be able to help you with these other things.

You are still living in the flesh as Paul put it. You are still thinking about what will make you happy in this life. To a certain extent that is okay, but when that overshadows God it is wrong. First you should ask what will make God happy. What purpose does He have for your life and how do you accomplish that purpose. If you are willing to do this, God will provide what you need, whether that is love or whatever it is.

The real you is on the inside not the outside. If people don't like you because of the way you look then believe me you don't want them to like you by changing how you look, because that won't last. Why do you think that movie stars who are gorgeous end up killing themselves? It is the same reason you are depressed they realize that people don't love them, they love their bodies. We all have a deep desire to be loved. The sad part is that we are all already loved we just don't seem to realize it. God loved us so much that He was willing to send His only Son to die for us. Now that is love.

God also knows that you want companionship and someone to care about you. He understands that. If you read the first two chapters of Genesis. God knew it was not good for a man to be alone. I know He has not forgotten that now. Maybe God needs to deal with some things in your life before He will allow you to go forward.

In your message to me you mentioned that you hate people. I am sure you don't really hate people, but the point is the same. You are focused on yourself not on what God wants. He will try to get you to where you need to be and it can be painful sometimes, but you need to know it is done out of love.

You also mentioned that it seemed that your depression got worse after you were saved. Why do you think that is? Have you ever really thought about it? You should read Ephesians chapter 6. It will explain why you feel the way you do. It will also tell you how to fight this. In short your problem is that you are in a battle and Satan wants to defeat you so that you won't be a witness to others. Let's face it with what you wrote me it is obvious that people are not stopping you on the street asking what makes you so happy and wanting to know God because you tell them that is what so great in your life. Satan can't take your salvation from you but he sure can take your joy away. No one is going to want what you have (Jesus Christ) if your life seems to be worse now then it was before you were saved. So does this mean you need to renounce your faith and go back to the way things were, no. It means that you need to get into the fight. Take up arms against your enemy. What weapon does God give us to defend ourselves? His word, referred to in scripture as the Sword of the Spirit. Get mad, but get mad at the right things. Get mad that Satan is trying to defeat you. The worse you feel the more you need to get on your knees and pray. Pray for strength and help. Ask God to send some of those battle hardened angels to protect you and to fight for you.

If you will get right with God and give over your whole life to Him. Put Him first, before your own wants, you will find that He has a plan for your life and that the plan He has is perfect. (Jeremiah 29:11-13 NIV) For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. {12} Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. {13} You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Don't give up and don't let yourself be a victim of Satan. Jesus defeated him at the cross but if you allow him to defeat you then you are allowing him to win a fight he has no right to or ability to win on his own.

You need to pray everyday and you need to read your Bible everyday. The Bible tells us that faith comes from reading the Bible and you need more faith. (Romans 10:17 NIV) Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ.

Try to get around other Christians. People who will love you for who you are inside not what you look like on the outside.

Ralph

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