I don't believe God will condemn me to hell for wanting out of this crazy world.

Dear Ralph, thank you for your website. The fact is that I don't believe God will condemn me to hell for wanting out of this crazy world. I am 43 years old. I have always prayed for God to keep me sane in this insane world. It seems that right is wrong and wrong is right. I don't understand why everyone is so selfish and sick. When I look at myself, I know my heart is good, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt becuase I want to prove to myself that everyone is not bad. I've lost the fight however, at least in my own circle of life. I have been abused by everyone, my father, my mother, almost each and every guy that I've ever been with. I have so much love in me but everyone wants to take my spirit away. It's too painful to live in a world like this. By this time, I thought I would have a loving husband to grow old with. I don't . I am grateful for my son; he is the best thing in my life. He'll be going to college in the fall and I want to kill myself when he goes away. I want to make it look like an accident so he won't have to be burdened with the fact that I've given up on myself. I haven't given up on God, but really, it's just too painful and I think that he'll welcome me and understand my plight. There's so much I can say, but there aren't enough words to explain. It's not that I am an ugly person physically or emotionally. I am a beautiful black woman, exceptionally beautiful, but I feel quite invisible and only exist for other peoples pleasure, whatever they can gain. My self esteem is very low and I don't know how to nourish myself alone. I don't know why I'm writing to you. I don't expect an answer; I'm just a wasted life.

My response is in Green:

Thank you for writing to me. I am glad you liked my website. I am afraid I must disagree with some of what you said. I will tell you right up front that I am a very bold person. I will also tell you that I don't claim to speak for God, but I try to read His word and apply it to my life.

You said you don't believe God would condemn you for wanting out of this world. I agree, but wanting out and killing yourself are two different things. If you take your own life then you are pushing God off His thrown and sitting down yourself. You won't breathe one more breath than God ordains for you to have. It is up to Him when you die. If He is giving you air to breathe then it is because He wants you to breathe it. He has a plan for all of us. Many people never figure out what God had planned for their lives, because they are too busy wanting what they want to ask Him what He wants.

You said you wanted to prove that not everyone was bad. Well the Bible says that all mankind's hearts are evil in every way. That only way a person can have a pure heart is through Jesus Christ. So maybe you can't prove that people are basically good, but that does not mean that you can't shine the light in the dark part of the world you live in. The darker the world around you the more God needs you light to shine so that people can see Him through you.

You said that you believe God will welcome you and understand your plight. Well, what is it that you are going to tell Him when you see Him? What if He asks you why you did not trust Him to help you instead of taking your own life? What if He asks you why you did not think He loved you enough to help you, or was it that you thought He was powerless to help you?

I hope I don't hurt you by this but I feel I have to say it. You said your self-esteem was low and you don't know how to help yourself. Well I have two comments about that. One is that you should not try to help yourself, you should lean on God and ask for His help. The second one is that I don't think your self-esteem is low, I thin, your God-esteem is low. I think you need to start looking up and quit looking down at yourself. The devil has you right where he wants you, wallowing in the mud of self pity. Get up and start fighting for your Lord and Savior's honor!!

Satan wants you dead, you figure out why. Could it be because he knows God won't welcome you? Or maybe he knows that if you kill yourself there will be people who don't know God who will turn away because if your God could not help you they don't need Him? Or maybe there is someone whom you are to witness to, and if Satan can get you out of the way he can condemn them to eternity in hell. Maybe God has great plans for you and Satan knows it and wants you out of the way. Who knows, but I do know it is NOT God's will for your to kill yourself.

Paul says: (Ephesians 6:12-13 NIV) For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. {13} Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Where is your armor? If you get to heaven and your armor is shiny and looking new, everyone will know you never got into the battle. I pray that when I get to heaven my armor will be dented and scratched and dirty, because it will show that I was fighting and wearing my armor.

The world is not a nice place, it is not fair, it is evil and the more you try to follow God the harder the battle becomes, but the more treasure you have stored up in heaven. How I long to hear Jesus say to me 'well done good and faithful servant.' Don't let Satan take that away from you. Get mad, then get into your armor then get on your knees.

I will pray for you, but you need to pray too. Get out your Bible and read it every day.



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