i have been asking this question in my mind for so long now. would god forgive me if i killed myself. i couldn't bring myself to ask a pastor (i'm a christian who no longer goes to church). i struggled with this so much. many nights i would be up until 6 am just thinking. i couldn't sleep since it weighed on my mind so much. you seem to think though that god could (or would) not forgive me though. as much as i hate hearing it, it's what i thought too. that's why i haven't taken my life yet. i live in a "christian" home who is all about appearance. i hate it but i guess that's how it has too be. your message is like a millstone around my neck. i can't die. i pray that god would kill me but me doesn't listen. i don't think he ever listens. there was a time when i didn't think quite like this but that was a while ago. so, i guess i can't kill myself; but it's funny, because i'm already dead.
My response is in Green:
I am sorry my message is a millstone around your neck. It needn't be. I won't candy coat what I am going to say, but I hope you will read it all and try to understand that I mean it to help you.
You mentioned that you don't go to church anymore. You don't think that God listens to you at all. You think you are already dead. Do you see any connection between these things? I do.
I think you are right you are dead already, but I don't mean physically, I mean spiritually and you need to do something about it. Christ died to give you life. So if you are dead, then you need to go back to the cross and get what you didn't get the first time. Maybe God is not listening because He wants you to turn to Him, not to kill you but to give you life.
Look at what God told Amos to tell the Israelites: (Amos 4:6-11 NIV) "I gave you empty stomachs in every city and lack of bread in every town, yet you have not returned to me," declares the LORD.  "I also withheld rain from you when the harvest was still three months away. I sent rain on one town, but withheld it from another. One field had rain; another had none and dried up.  People staggered from town to town for water but did not get enough to drink, yet you have not returned to me," declares the LORD.  "Many times I struck your gardens and vineyards, I struck them with blight and mildew. Locusts devoured your fig and olive trees, yet you have not returned to me," declares the LORD.  "I sent plagues among you as I did to Egypt. I killed your young men with the sword, along with your captured horses. I filled your nostrils with the stench of your camps, yet you have not returned to me," declares the LORD.  "I overthrew some of you as I overthrew Sodom and Gomorrah. You were like a burning stick snatched from the fire, yet you have not returned to me," declares the LORD.
Maybe God loves you enough to make you miserable so you will turn to Him. Asking Him to take your life is not what I am talking about.
Do you read your Bible? You said you don't go to church, how are you being fed? How are you expecting to grow in your faith? I don't see much faith in your message. I am not trying to be mean to you, but I want you to wake up and smell the coffee. Being a Christian is more than just asking Jesus into your heart and asking Him to forgive you and then forgetting about Him until you want something.
(1 John 3:14 NIV) We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death. Do you have the love of God in your heart? Have you crossed from death to life? Don't let the devil defeat you. Get on your knees and quit asking God to kill you and start asking Him to help you live!! Ask Him to help you live the kind of life He wants you to life. Get out a Bible and start reading it. (Romans 10:17 NIV) Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ.
If you read Revelation you will see letters Jesus told John to write to the seven churches. You should read the one to Sardis because I believe Jesus could have written it to you. Here is what I am talking about: (Revelation 3:1-3 NIV) "To the angel of the church in Sardis write: These are the words of him who holds the seven spirits of God and the seven stars. I know your deeds; you have a reputation of being alive, but you are dead.  Wake up! Strengthen what remains and is about to die, for I have not found your deeds complete in the sight of my God.  Remember, therefore, what you have received and heard; obey it, and repent. But if you do not wake up, I will come like a thief, and you will not know at what time I will come to you. Wake up! Strengthen what remains and is about to die!!!
I hope I have shocked you. I hope what I wrote will open your eyes. God not listening is not your problem. Living in a house which just has the appearance of Christianity is not your problem. You have a heart condition and you need to see Doctor Jesus fast.
All those times you were asking God to kill you, did it ever cross you mind why He doesn't? Do you believe He is keeping you here just so you will be miserable? That is not the God I know. It is not the God that loved you enough to send His only Son to die for you. If God is not ready for you to leave this earth then it is because He has a job for your to do, or maybe it is because He is trying to get you ready to live with Him.
If you don't trust Him in this life, how will you trust Him for eternity? How will you be comfortable knowing that your eternal existence is in His hands? What if He gets tired of you after 10,000 years? Of course He won't, but the point is will you trust Him? Don't say yes too quickly when you don't even trust Him now.
Paul tells us that we are in a struggle: (Ephesians 6:12-18 NIV) For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,  and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.  In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.  And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. You know if you get to heaven and your armor is all shiny and new looking all it will prove is that you did not wear it and/or that you never got into the battle. You are a prisoner of war, Satan has you right where he wants you. Ineffective and defeated. Any Christian who prays daily for God to kill them, sure isn't going to be out there winning souls for the Kingdom. Why would anyone want what you have when you are so miserable?
Get out your Bible and start reading it. Get on your knees and ask God to forgive you for being selfish and not thinking of what He wants. Ask Him for strength and He will give it to you. (Isaiah 40:28-31 NIV) Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.  He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;  but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
I know I have been rough on you, but I am doing it out of love. I know God loves you and He wants more for your life then what has been going on. Give Him a chance to show you the life that He has to offer you. Allow Him to minister to you and give you strength and show you the love that sent His only Son to die for your sins.
Get around other Christians. Find a Bible believing church and makes some friends. We are called the body of Christ because we need each other just like a body needs all its parts to live.
Go back to the cross of Christ and drop your burdens. (Matthew 11:29-30 NIV) Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
I will pray for you.
E-Mail Ralph (Whose comments are in green)