In the long run my suicide will be best for my family.

I sometimes don't think God is listening. You know the old saying "The Lord helps those who help themselves?" Well, if that's true, then if I pray for help but am not doing everything in my power to help myself, then why would he listen? I pray EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for God to help me believe in myself and be a better person and father and husband. How do I know He is listening? Maybe since I don't want to help myself because I hate myself, He is not going to waste the time?

I mean, that's what I need help with...Nothing seems to change the fact that I let people walk all over me, I don't stand up for myself, I avoid conflict even if I am in the right, I can go on and on. I feel like a failure and I already have a plan to kill myself because, eventhough I may hurt the ones I love in the short run, they will be better off in the long run. i won't do to my kids what was done to me as a child. I will break the chain as I call it and my kids can start fresh without me and my baggage being a burden.

Yes I have seen a psychologist and am on an anti-depressent, but I never lose these thoughts. They still reside in me and don't go away....I'm just tired of dealing with this crap....

My response is in Green:

That is a nice old saying, but God is not the one who said it. He is our help, He is our strength, we are incapable of doing what is right without His help. You need to quit asking God to help you believe in yourself, and start asking God to help you believe in Him. This is all psychobabble and it is untrue. Your problem is not low self-esteem, if anything it is low God-esteem. Lets look at what Jesus had to say: (Matthew 5:40-48 NIV) And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. {41} If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. {42} Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you. {43} "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' {44} But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, {45} that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. {46} If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? {47} And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? {48} Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

He is not saying that we need to be doormats but He is saying that we need to look past just ourselves to the good of others. You mentioned that you allow people to walk all over you, okay fine, but don't so it as a victim, do it as a person who loves others. Avoiding conflict is not a bad thing either, trust me on this. I worked the streets for 7 years and saw a lot of dead bodies who should have avoided conflict but didn't.

You said that you see a psychologist and are on an anti-depressant. I got the feeling that you thought that would be my first suggestion. If that is true you were wrong. I am not surprised that none of that is doing you any good. Only God can cure what you have. Here is what God thinks of man's wisdom: (Jeremiah 17:5-8 NIV) This is what the LORD says: "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD. {6} He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. {7} "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. {8} He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."

You said that your suicide would be the best thing for your family in the long run, that is a lie!! It would be a burden on them that they would never get out from under. It would make your kids much more likely to also commit suicide.

You talked about praying but you did not say if you have accepted Christ as your Savior or not. If not then that is where you need to start, everything else is worthless. If you have then you need to get on your knees and ask Him to take control of your life. It is not God's will for you to kill yourself. Also if you commit suicide and you claim to be a Christian why would any of your kids ever care about being a Christian? I mean if God can't help you and keep you from killing yourself what can He do for them? You are not only securing a place for yourself in hell but you would be making it much more likely that your children would end up there too.

Since I am not sure where you stand let me go over it once. We are all under a death sentence put on us by a holy God who can't stand our sin. There is nothing we can do to save ourselves. Yet God loves us and wanted to save us; His holy nature prevented Him from just forgiving and forgetting, payment had to be made for our sins. So He sent His one and only Son to die in our place. Now it is up to us: (Romans 10:9-10 NIV) That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. {10} For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.

We were all created to have a relationship with God, until we get one we will be miserable. Always looking and never finding what we want or need. If you don't have a relationship with God then that is the first thing you need. If you do have one then you need to work on it.

I am sure you are tired of dealing with all of this, that is why you need to learn to give it to God and allow Him to deal with it. Put your trust in Him. Quit listening to wackos who tell you that your problem is low self-worth or low self-esteem, that is not your problem.

Ralph

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