I'm a Christian and I have planned out my suicide date.

I have been reading some of the other emails that people have sent you. We all sound alike, in more pain then we can cope with. I too have been contemplating suicide. I have even picked the day and started writing good-bye letters. I do know God and have been a Christian for my whole life, in fact my oldest son, my husband and I were baptized together by submersion a few years ago. I love God and I know he loves me but I can't feel him through all my pain and sorrow. I keep trying to reach out to Him but I still feel so alone.

You see, a year ago my life started to unravel. I pushed my husband out of my life, I spiraled into a depression so deep that I have already tried to take my own life once by taking pills. My house is being auctioned off on June 5th and I have had to file for bankruptcy. I can't find a place to live and no real estate agent will touch me with my current financial situation. I have three beautiful children but I feel like I have nothing to offer them, not even a place to live. All my friends and my husbands family have turned their backs on me over this past year so I have no support system. I love my husband and I have asked him to forgive me. I want to put our family back together but he is not sure what he wants. He told me to start by being his friend and we have been getting along wonderfully lately, talking on the phone, getting together for dinner. The only friend I do have tells me that I'm "weak and pathetic" to think that my marriage could be fixed, "he doesn't want you" she says. She tells me that I am living in a "fantasy world." I have tried to talk to the other friends that have turned from me, I want to understand why but they won't even give me the time of day. The loss of my husband, my friends and my house is more then I can bare. I know two of the three shouldn't matter but why do they? I'm trying to be patient but time is running out for me. What if I really have no where to go. What if my marriage really can't be fixed. I am scared to death. Please help me.

My response is in Green:

You may not like what I am going to tell you, but I believe it is the truth and I hope it will help you. You said you know God and have been a Christian all your life. I must disagree with you. Many people think they know God or that they are Christians, but God tells us how to tell: (Matthew 7:21-23 NIV) [21] "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. [22] Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' [23] Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'"

Can you tell me you are doing God's will? I will guarantee you that suicide is not God's will, the thought of killing yourself is not God's will and is not honoring God.

(1 Corinthians 6:19-20 NIV) [19] Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; [20] you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

(Romans 14:79 NIV) [7] For none of us lives to himself alone and none of us dies to himself alone. [8] If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. [9] For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living.

If you are a true follower of Christ then He must be first in your life. Your message to me shows that is not where He is. I am not trying to be rough on you, but I am trying to shock you into realizing that you have wandered away from the Lord and you need to come back. He loves you and will help you, but you have to be in the right place.

Until we are willing to confess our sins and come to God humbly and ask for His forgiveness and His help, we will not experience the help that He has to offer.

Depression can be caused by unconfused sin. You said you pushed your husband away, that is a sin. You need to come back to God and get that relationship taken care of before you can really work on the relationship with you husband. But you know even if your husband is never willing to get back together you need to honor God and be a godly woman. Do not lean on the past, you are not right with God now and that is all that counts. Get right with Him and allow Him to help you.

I will pray for you.

Ralph

Dear Ralph:
Don't tell me I am not a Christian nor have I been one for the past 32 years just because I have contemplated suicide. You don't know me, what I have been through or what my relationship with God has been. All you know is a desperate email I sent out during one of my "down days". It seems to me that you are trying to play "God" with your opinions (not advice) to helpless, lonely people who are at a hopeless point in their lives.

Just because I have suicidal thoughts does not mean I am not a Christian, it means I am human. If I fall away from God because I am overwhelmed by life and it's harshness does make me less of a Christian. That fact that I am searching for God, his touch, his light, through my pain and sorrow is what God wants for us.

In all the emails I have read that you have sent to these poor souls being eaten by depression I have not read you telling them that God loves them and is always there, even when it doesn't seem like it. He carries us when we can't hold ourselves up anymore. God is good and just, he does not like watching us hurt. Maybe instead of condemning us for being confused, torn and consumed with darkness and depression you should make sure that YOU are doing Gods will and not doing more harm then good for these people.

I'll tell you, if I had read your reply to me two days ago it would have just confirmed to me that God does not love me. Praise God for intervening in my life in the mean time.

A Child of God,

I was not trying to say you are not a Christian, but I was saying that you need to repair your relationship with God. Maybe you don't remember what your wrote me. It was more than just having suicidal thoughts. You told me you had already tried to commit suicide once, that you had already picked the day you were going to try again and started writing good-bye letters. Sorry but that goes just a little beyond having the thought, which I agree with you is normal.

Yes I was tough on you, but I even told you why, I told you I was trying to shock you into realizing that you needed to come back to God, Who loves you. I guess you missed that part. I am not trying to play God as you claim, you wrote me and you asked for my advise and I gave it to you. I will repeat it; you need to get back into a close relationship with Christ. You can hate me, you can claim I am wrong, that's okay, but you need to be honest with yourself. No one who is in a close relationship with Christ is going to plan out their suicide down to the day and write good-bye letters. That is why I quoted you the Scriptures.

I am sorry if I hurt your feelings, but I hope maybe in the future you will sit down and take stock of your relationship.

You claimed that in all the e-mails I have sent you have not read where I told people that God loves them. I guess you either have selective reading or selective memory. Let me quote from the message I sent you: "He loves you and will help you, but you have to be in the right place."

Let me also quote from the page you sent your first e-mail to me from: "I don't believe that God has the book of life open on His lap at all times with a bottle of white out waiting for us to stumble. He knows our flesh is weak, yet He loves us."

I am glad you are doing better, and again I am sorry if I hurt your feelings.

Ralph

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