I'm a Christian who has been thinking of suicide for 9 months.

Dear Ralph,

I've been a christain for over ten years now, im 25, i suppose its very hard to explain how i feel or whats happening or not happening in my life, but I've been thinking about suicide for over 9 months now, ive been to christian leaders who have prayed for me and talked to me, I've fasted for days on end i suppose to show god that im serious about wanting to get better, ive prayed so much for his help, theres not a day a cry out to him either in my head or in the house when no-one is around, the funny thing is i know that he can hear me i can feel it, but my life sucks so much, and everyday I'm in so much pain to the point that i really cant bear it.

i will explain why i feel like this or why i think i feel like this. i was seeing a girl over a year ago who goes to the same church that i did, we were close friends and her friends where my friends male and female, anyway we fell out over something stupid and things started to go down hill from there to the point that she didn't want to see me anymore. i really loved her and cared for her and still do, although i wish i didn't because it hurts so much, she doesn't want to know me anymore, or even see me in the same building, i have said sorry to her many times and she has said that she has forgiven me, but she still acts like she hasn't.

Anyway I've left church because its too painfull seeing her knowing how she feels about me when i still care and want to be friends, I want to let go of it I want to let go of her so that it doesn't hurt anymore, but no-matter what I try or do i still love her, I think I must be crazy because the way she has made me feel the last 9 months has been so painfull, i should hate her or dislike her for it but I dont I still love her.

I've prayed that my feelings would go away so that I can go back to church and just focus on god and get my life back, but I still feel the same after all this time, over the last 9 months ive lost friends, my job, church, im so lonely all the time and just feel helpless, ive tried to go back to church but its to much, I find myself getting angry with god because it so easy for him to do something about it but he doesn't, anyway im going on a bit here and I will stop but I think you might know how I feel maybe, I just want this to stop I really do its to much, i would do anything for it to stop I really would, im not sure what else to say and I suppose that's your cue...

My response is in Green:

You may not like what I have to say, but since you wrote me I will be as honest as I can with you. As I see it from your message to me your problem is that you do not have your eyes on Christ. Many people say that they are Christians because they believe in Jesus Christ and that is great. It is the first step, it is how we get our sins forgiven, but our relationship with God does not stop there, it should grow and it will grow if we follow Him. Jesus told us how it would have to be if we were to follow Him: (Matthew 16:24 NIV) Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."

You may be asking what does this have to do with your problem? Well if you are following Christ, meaning that you are willing to deny yourself and follow Him, then you would still be troubled by losing this girl friend, but you would know that maybe it was not God's plan for your life. You would go on because you would be serving Him and not just yourself. Everything in your message to me was about you and what you want and what you feel. You even went so far as to say that you are angry at God. Do you see the problem? If not then until you do you won't have any hope of getting past this. God should be first in your life, He is not the genie in the sky that is suppose to either make this girl come back to you or make you quit thinking of her. He is the Creator of the universe Lord God almighty. He sent His only Son to die for you even though you deserved to die for your sins, and you are mad at Him because you blew it with a girl? Now do you begin to see the problem?

Yes I am being hard on you, but it is time someone was. God owes you nothing, you owe Him your very life. I am sorry for what happened between you and this girl but if you look at eternity instead of your life you will see things differently. As long as the focus in on you, you will be miserable because that is the state of this world. If on the other hand you get your eyes and focus on Christ and eternity, then you will know real freedom and peace and what Life is all about.

If you really can't go back to the church where this girl goes, then find another church, but you need to go to church. You said if there was anything you could do to stop this you would do it. Okay, here it is. Get on your knees and ask God to forgive you for being self-centered and for getting angry at Him, when it was in fact you who had the problem. If you are not willing to do that from your heart, then you don't really want to get over this and you are not really following Christ.

There it is in hard cold facts. I am sorry that I am such a blunt person, but there really is no other way to say it.

Read Matthew 6:33 and put it into practice. It is where Jesus said to seek first the things of God and all the other things would be given you. I have no idea if you will ever get back with this girl or if God has someone else in mind for you. If He has someone else I will guarantee you that when it is all over and done with you will be glad this happened. If you get back with this girl you will also be glad this happened because it will have brought you closer to God. If on the other hand you don't get right with God, then it really doesn't matter what else happens does it?

Ralph

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