I've been a Christian since I was born and I want to kill myself.

Hi, I'm 24 years old. I came across your website and thought maybe I could write to you and ask you some questions and just tell you a little about what I'm feeling. Although you probably already know how I feel since I'm always thinking about ending my life. It never goes away. I am a Christian and have been since I was born. Although I have did some pretty bad things In my life, I believe God has always been in it, or I'd be dead right now.

I've been bulimic for seven years, and that's where the trouble begins. My mom believes that a person who struggles with bulimia is possessed by the devil, is that true? I am better now for like the 100th time, but still struggle. I ask God for help and I know he helps me sometimes when I let him.. I hate living like this, always struggling. I'm always hoping that somehow I will die in a car accident or something, because then it wouldn't be suicide? I can't stop these feelings no matter how hard I try, they don't go away. I was taking anti-depressant medicine about six weeks ago, but quit. Do you believe that its ok to take that stuff? Is it really a chemical imbalance, or am I just screwed up?

I'm just tired of living and feeling things. I've been drinking lately, and that gets my mind off suicide for a little while. I don't want to feel, I want to be numb. Everyday when I go home, I cry and cry and cry. I want to end my life, but I don't want to let God down.

My response is in Green:

Thank you for writing and telling me your story. Believe it or not I believe I can help you. In order for me to help you, you will have to be willing to read what I write with an open mind. It might go against some things that you have always believed, but it will be worth it.

The very first thing is this; you said that you have been a Christian since you were born. That is impossible and I will explain why. Being a Christian means having a relationship with Jesus Christ. That is a personal relationship. It is impossible to have that kind of relationship until you truly understand who you are and who He is. So it is impossible to have from birth. I have a lot of people tell me that they become Christians when they were two or three years old and I would disagree with that too. It is possible to become a Christian at an early age, but it is still not enough, because a child can't fully understand the implications of that kind of decision.

There is only one way to have a relationship with God and that is through His Son, Jesus Christ. But it is important not only to understand that but to understand why we need this relationship in the first place. We need this relationship because we are sinful beings. Our sins separate us from God. God is holy and demands death for anyone who sins. (Ezekiel 18:4 NIV) For every living soul belongs to me, the father as well as the son--both alike belong to me. The soul who sins is the one who will die.

However, God loves us and does not want us to go to hell to be punished for our sins. Because He is Holy He can't just forgive and forget our sins, His Holy nature demands that some one pays for those sins. (John 3:16 NIV) "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

(Romans 5:8 NIV) But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

If we die without getting right with God we will go to hell for eternity and suffer in punishment for our sins. However, if we will believe that Jesus is the Son of God and that He died for our sins, and if we confess our sins (admit them to God) and ask Him to forgive us He will. And if we believe that after He died God the Father raised Him back to life then we will be saved and if we die we will go to be with God. (Romans 10:9 NIV) That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

It is important for a person to understand this. We come to God, not as children or as friends, we come as sinners who realize that we owe God a debt that we can't pay. When we do that and when we are truly sorry for the sins we have committed, then He will forgive us and save us through our faith in Jesus.

See why I say it is impossible for a small child to understand and therefore become a Christian? The problem is that many people don't realize that so they always think they are a Christian and therefore are right with God when they aren't.

So to start make sure you have that relationship with Christ. Just believe He is who He says He is (the Son of God) and that He died for you. Realize that you needed Him to die for you because you are a sinner and there is noting you can do about it. Then believe that after He died He was raised from the dead and is alive today. All that is left is to just ask Him to forgive you and to be your Lord and Master. The Lord and Master part is important because we are unable to live the kind of life God requires on our own. But if we will allow Him to control our lives He will enable us to live a holy life.

I am sure you have been told a bunch of times that bulimia is a disease, but it isn't. It is a symptom of sin. Being a drunk, or alcoholic as people call it, is not a disease either, it is a sinful lifestyle. That does not mean that a person can stop being like this himself, because they can't. That was my whole point about allowing God to control your life. Until you come to the understanding that you can't do this and then allow God to be in control you will by on the same up and down slide.

Being a Christian also means that we follow Christ: (1 John 2:3-6 NIV) [3] We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. [4] The man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. [5] But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: [6] Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did.

So there is your answer. If you are tired of struggling, then give up and allow God to take over. Get right with Him and let Him run your life. There is nothing wrong with you that God can't take care of. You asked if I thought it was okay to take medications. Yes I think it is okay, but the problem comes when people take the medications which just dull the senses and keep the person from looking to God for help. If you need the medications then take them, but get right with God first and foremost. He loves you and He wants to help you, but you have to be in the right place for Him to reach you.

Ralph

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